Posted by Anonymous on 2013/03/20 under Uncategorized I don’t care about anything anymore.
I just want to sleep forever and never wake up
A year ago, I would have chided myself for being so apathetic. “What will everyone say? You’re the top student and have a job (a job that has s*** pay but still…) so you have to do your best and cheer up!”
I don’t even give a f*** about what people say anymore
not Ma, who doesn’t understand anything about me and after holding me to a very restricted life expects me to just lift off into adulthood
not Dad who is perceptive to my feelings but still doesn’t get it
not my sister who just sides with Ma for favor
the other people who get me in this house are the babies
sometimes I get happy when Angell comes over and we go on adventures
but I’m here most of the time
and I want to leave
but very little money
and California is expensive
And Taco Bell pays garbage money
I wish they wouldn’t have hired so many people
now there aren’t enough hours to where everyone has a decent week
I only work twice a week now, three times if I’m lucky
I hate Taco Bell
I feel like this is a weird test
usually when you hear stories of Him testing people it’s these painful and stressful situations
but my test just has me feeling like I’ve been wading in chin-high water for miles
and all I want to do is stop walking and just
drown
you know?
I don’t want to kill myself
but never waking up is a nice option too
a perpetual coma or something
:c
I want to cry
but the tears won’t come
I don’t feel happy about anything anymore
two days ago, my parents bought me a wacom tablet
I’ve wanted one for six or seven years
but I had to put my money to other things
and when I unwrapped the tablet
I already knew what it was
and yet I was still unhappy
I think I faked happiness well enough though
Father looked pleased
and even though Ma says I could have already purchased one for myself
she always yells at me for buying things she thinks are dumb
so i put my money for responsible things and bought toys for my siblings as well
I try not to buy too many “frivolous” things for me
she thinks me buying those yu yu hakusho figures was a stupid idea
but after years of having no money
I finally get to buy “”””stupid things”””” I’ve wanted
I don’t like wanting things like that and not being able to get them
it makes me feel nothing but shame
especially if it’s something really dumb and childish like comics and toys
I don’t want to talk to anyone but Angell
he’s such a cool bro
Ma keeps trying to get me to date him
and while Angell is a cutie
I /can’t/ date him
I don’t know
it’ll be like incest to me
and I like someone else
I think he’s swell
oh wow, who says swell anymore?
Ma wants me to fill out applications
but Dad (who is also my boss for my other job) is about to have a huge deal close
and I get paid per comission
and my cut would mean I won’t have to work for a while
so I’ve been bragging that I’m gonna quit my job (which is true) and never work again (which is partially true; I’m quitting Taco Bell but I still need to be on board with Father)
I was going to use that off time to work on my art portfolio because I am going to try a shot at CALarts
And I want to be on my A+++ game
and I know that if I spend an intense amount of time on my work
my skill will increase significantly (I’ve done this before)
but Ma took it as a sign of laziness
and yelled at me in the car yesterday
I tuned her out like I always do
I don’t want to be associated with her anymore
I don’t want anything to do with her
She says I make excuses a lot
but it’s only to her
to be honest I’ll say anything to make her go away
I don’t care
maybe that’s destructive
but I don’t care anymore
I told Ashley–my older sister–how I was saving up to move out
and she looked at me knowingly and said, “Your Mom?”
she’s my step sister
and she’s seen how my mother talks to me
I’m sorry
this is a lot of s*** to read
thank you to whoever is reading this trash